This is a want ad in the Scottish want ads, Gumtree.
The owner clearly outlines the reason why I do not want to cook for a living, lousy hours, no pay, no benefits.

Looking for someone fast, progressive, and not a total **** for a new restaurant in Clarkston.

(I was forced to censor this ad by the Gumtree powers-that-be; apologies for the asterisks)

I'm opening a place in Clarkston, right off the train station, 1st July.

I have no problem working seven days a week, but on the off-chance I break my foot or get third-degree steam burns on my face I need someone who can work unsupervised and still make quality food. It's a breakfast/brunch/lunch place to start, but there are no eggs benedicts. Go on, wrap your head around that and then continue reading. I'll wait.

If you've got fine dining experience, that's a huge plus. If you can bake, ditto. If not it's fine, as I have a baker I can call in. If your idea of a good sandwich is a tuna mayo like your gran makes then please don't bother responding. Seriously. Last time I was hiring for a place I got over 400 CVs. You know how long it takes to read 400 CVs? Too f*cking long. So don't waste anyone's time. I need a second in command to bang out a ton of semi-fancy food in a kitchen the size of a closet, and you also have to put up with my wife because I do, and she's the real boss.

On the plus side there's a second, smaller kitchen downstairs so there's somewhere to hide from us both and still be productive.

The money is sh*t. It's £7/hour and a cut of the tips. Don't ask for more because I don't have it. You'll literally be making more than me because I am essentially working for free until the place is paid off. It's not going to be open any later than 5pm for the first six months, so if you like your evenings you can have them. You can also have a decent degree of creative freedom, menu-wise. I will listen to your ideas and try your weird suggestions, but if I don't love it we're not doing it and that's that. I'll also let you order food for yourself at wholesale cost to compensate for the sh*te pay. That's the best I can do. I'm dead serious about the money thing. Don't come to an interview and then say it sounds great but you've got your kid's school clothes to buy or whatever. I don't care. There's no money. There's £7/hr and some tips, 25-35 hours a week. Deal with it. I'm working 60 hours for half that. You can definitely get more hours once the place has legs, and eventually we'll be open at night so there's the possibility that you can be the solo guy (or gal) in charge of a lot of shifts if you're decent. In fact, if you're awesome and you have actual cooking skills, you'll probably be my best friend and you'll work 55 hours a week and I'll let you put whatever horrible music you enjoy on the stereo and buy you beer.

Chances are that 25-35 hours will actually be 45 right off the bat, but I'm not offering that right now because the doors aren't even open and I've never met you.

Whites are not required. Just sensible shoes, a t-shirt or button-down (no taps aff cooking), and an apron. Pay is bi-weekly with tips doled out on the off weeks.

Now, about the food:
It's a free-for-all. Seriously. I'm calling it an "American Diner" because I'm American and it's a diner, but there's sumac, harissa, n'duja, compotes, mooli, shakshuka, mussels, haggis, Greek yogurt, Vietnamese coffee, hoisin, fish sauce, a dehydrator, labneh, kimchi, etc. all happening, but we're basically just going to be making egg-centric breakfasts and really good sandwiches. Diner food made with fine dining techniques or at least the level of care usually only given to fine dining dishes. You like weird condiments? Great. Me too. You have no idea what I'm talking about? Then please, PLEASE, don't apply for this job. I have way too much sh*t to do in the next six weeks to be interviewing people I'm never going to hire.

I live in the city centre. If you do too, the train from Central Station is £3.50 round-trip to the back door of the shop. The #6 SimpliCity bus drops you off right out front, as does the #4. If you drive, great. If you live in or near Clarkston, even better.

I don't care if you're super outgoing or actually mute. I don't care if you've got tattoos. I don't care if you only work in kitchens to get away from your horrible significant other. I don't care about anything other than that you're fast enough not to be in the weeds constantly and you want to be part of something genuine and good. This is a mom-and-pop type restaurant. You can learn a lot. You can have a good degree of freedom. What you cannot do is be a pain in my balls because my life savings is on the line and I have to work with my wife all day so I don't have time for any primadonna bullsh*t. Come be part of a family and make better breakfasts than Glasgow knows what to do with or pursue your MasterChef dreams at one of the properly fancy places all over town (or bang out grease bombs at an all-night chippie if that's what you're into). I promise if you're good you'll be full-time in no time and I'll take care of you. I know how horrible this industry is, and I 'm not looking to take advantage of anyone or burn you out so I can go on holiday all summer. It's going to be a hard job, but I genuinely think we can do something refreshing and different in this city, so if that seems like the type of thing you're into, email your CV and we'll make it happen.

Send me a real cover letter too, if you're the cover letter type. If you have one that says you're a "hard-working team player that can also function well alone" and that you "value customer service and punctuality" I will stab myself in the face with a pencil and nobody will get a job. Be honest. Tell me what you want to do and why. Your actual strengths and weaknesses. I'm looking for real people with real ideas, not kids using a CV template they found online.

If you think I sound like an obnoxious d*ckhead, congratulations. You are observant and will go far in life. Don't let it discourage you, though. I'm only a d*ckhead for the first three years you know me. After that I'm a total sweetheart.

Cheers,
Justin

http://www.gumtree.com/p/chef-de-partie-jobs/looking-for-someone-fast-progressive-and-not-a-total-for-a-new-restaurant-in-clarkston./1116846516